Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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