we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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