So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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