just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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