Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
