Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
