Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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