life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
