Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Randomize
