Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
