As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
