She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
