Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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