I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I think my moral compass just broke
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
