Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
