I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
