I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
