that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
