He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
