I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
