I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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