Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I need a beard to bite.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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