My room smells like vodka and shame
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
