I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
