Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
