I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
