i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
