i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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