I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
