I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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