just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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