i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
