you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
