theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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