Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
It's just like the Real World with babies
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just want nice things and good sex
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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