I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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