I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
