I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
