I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my sisters under your porch take her home
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
