nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
