That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
