Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm really busy with my period
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