just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
