So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
