I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
