i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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