i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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