why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Dicks are not precious.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
