I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
