i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
